Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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