I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Soap is not a condiment
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
