i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
