i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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