Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
