you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
ttyl tear gas
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Randomize
