I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
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I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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