I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
