I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
