Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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