I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
