some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
