i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
