I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
