Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
