OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
