Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
