What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Randomize
