I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
