she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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