I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
