Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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