i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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