You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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