Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
