Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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