I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
