Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Can you bring me the toilet please
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I deserve this hangover.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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