I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
