Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
