did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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