Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
