I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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