remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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