She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
