Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
