2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
