I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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