why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
