The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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