Where are you?
In a non slutty way
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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