dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
