just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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