I want leopard sheets
thats the plan
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.