Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
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