Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
