Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
