Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
