My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
