remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
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it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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