i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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