you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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