Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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