You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
