I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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