I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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