I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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