I'm gonna have a badass scar
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
